Gene
Tsudik
Lois and Peter Griffin
Professor
Computer Science Department
Pewterschmidt School of Information
and Computer Sciences
University of Caliphoneya, Irvine
Gene Tsudik:
- does not know his Erdos number
- is ignorant of his IQ
- authored and proved the following theorem:
"The number of skeletons in one's closet is directly proportional
to the degree of one's self-righteousness,
political correctness and/or piety."
- thinks that people who like to "turn the other cheek" are members of (or secretly wish to join) a spanking club
- has never been elected to to any office
- is not a democrat or a republican
- does not publish acceptance rates for his publication venues
- does not support gratuitous authorship of scientific papers
- thinks that Intelligent Design is an oxymoron
- has smoked -- and may have even inadvertently inhaled -- some
substances of dubious legal status
- is a native of Slobonia (formerly known as Crappystan)
- is an impromptu marathon runner
- is a staunch believer in limitless idiocy of bureaucracy
- does not speak any language without an accent
- is allergic to BLOGs and even less offensive forms of exhibitionism
- is not actually an endowed "Lois and Peter Griffin" professor
- is not a member of NRA, NAMBLA, FDIC, NCAA, NFL, BFD, WTF or AFL-CIO
- has never learned how to dive
- is an enthusiastically mediocre squash player
- does not know his neighbors
- never been accused of being subtle
- never bitten a dog (though one time in Korea he may have eaten one)
- unashamedly believes that some cultures are clearly superior to others
- has cross-dressed on at least one occasion
- has never poisoned anyone with mushrooms
- is only modestly self-important
- regrettably, has no piercings, tattoos or a vestigal tail
- is not an early adopter
- has never been abducted by aliens or social science researchers
- has never received a letter bomb or an anonymous love letter
- thinks that ethnic pride is just a better-looking fraternal twin of racism
- can do one-handed push-ups
- has never parachuted, para-sailed, hang-glided, bungee-jumped, base-jumped,
surfed, water-skied or played basketball
- loves Grand Canyon in July
- has written some vile limericks
- has come up with some atrocious analogies
- won a runner-up prize in the 2nd Midwestern Invitational Inspector
Clouseau Imitation Tournament
- believes that "Underwater Basket-Weaving in the Arctic" is not
part of Computer Science
- eats his apples whole
- is ideologically opposed to celery consumption
- can subsist on olives, peppers and eggplant
- does not possess a high school diploma
- says a daily prayer for all vegans
- is a believer in the unmatched healing power of habaneros
- is a strong supporter of animail rights (unless he is hungry)
- has not been arrested to-date
- writes unfashionably short recommendation letters
- is oblivious of his BMI
- is a web luddite (this page serves as proof)
- has no talents as a thespian
- sometimes exhibits homosocial behavior
- suffers from a rare form of Munchausen-without-proxy syndrome
- is inconcistenst in his dedication to recycling and saving the planet
- believes thar one's religion is a "private part" and -- like other
private parts -- it is best kept hidden from public view
- does not believe in your deity
- would happily allow anyone to burn copies of his papers (or any papers for that matter) while
successfully repressing barbaric urge to kill
- is a pioneer in the field of "Computational Gastronomy" and "Veterinary Computing"
- started a renowned international conference on "Pedantics and Pomposity in Computing"
- wonders how the desire to be "different" (or to be noticed) leads people to conform
to the fad of tattoos and piercings
- asserts that most of the above claims are true