Gene Tsudik

The Simpson Family Professor 
Computer Science Department
Mr.Burns School of Information and Computer Sciences

University of California, Irvine
Gene Tsudik:

• does not know (nor does he care about) his Erdos number
• is ignorant of his IQ and cavalier about that of others'
• has never won a best paper award at any conference or workshop
• has never been elected to congress (or to any office, for that matter)
• is not a democrat or a republican
• does not publish acceptance rates for his publication venues
• does not support gratuitous authorship of scientific papers
• thinks that Intelligent Design is an oxymoron
• has smoked -- and may have even inadvertently inhaled -- some substances of dubious legal status
• is an impromptu marathon runner
• is a staunch believer in limitless idiocy of bureaucracy
• does not speak any language without an accent
• is allergic to BLOGs and even less offensive forms of exhibitionism
• is not actually an endowed "Simpson Family Foundation Professor"
• is not a member of ACM, NRA, MBLA, FDIC, NAACP, NFL or AFL-CIO
• is not a Fellow of any society, club or association
• has never learned how to dive
• is an enthusiastically mediocre squash player
• does not know his neighbors
• never been accused of being subtle
• never bitten a dog (though one time in Korea he may have eaten one)
• unashamedly believes that some cultures are clearly superior to others
• has cross-dressed on at least one occasion
• has never poisoned anyone with mushrooms
• is only modestly self-important
• regrettably, has no piercings or tattoos
• is not an early adopter
• has never been abducted by aliens or social science researchers
• has never received a letter bomb or an anonymous love letter
• thinks that ethnic pride is just a better-looking fraternal twin of racism
• can do one-handed push-ups
• has never parachuted, para-sailed, hang-glided, bungee-jumped, water-skied or played basketball
• loves Grand Canyon in July
• has written some vile limericks
• has come up with some atrocious analogies
• won a runner-up prize in the 2nd Midwestern Invitational Inspector Clouseau Imitation Tournament
• believes that "Underwater Basket-Weaving in the Arctic" is not part of Computer Science
• eats his apples whole
• is ideologically opposed to celery consumption
• can subsist on olives, peppers and eggplant
• does not possess a high-school diploma
• says a daily prayer for all the vegans
• is a believer in the unmatched healing power of habaneros
• has not been arrested to-date...
• writes unfashionably short recommendation letters
• is oblivious of his BMI
• is a web luddite
• suffers from a rare form of Munchhausen-without-proxy syndrome
• believes thar one's religion is a "private part" and -- like other private parts -- it is best kept hidden from public view
• asserts that most of the above claims are true