As we've established, the only way one can ever hope to have enough bejesus to be Jesus is to steal it from other people. So how is this done, by using some high-tech bejesus-stealing device? This is an option, but most such devices are little more than spruced-up electric prods provided via mail-order and which provide little real benefit over good old-fashioned natural collection. Besides, they make a smell you wouldn't believe. You're best off using the more low-tech techniques described below.

  The most important thing to understand about bejesus is that it isn't rooted all that solidly in a person's body. When rogue bejesus comes into contact with a person's body it bonds to their cells and becomes, for all intents and purposes, their bejesus. So if you are standing nearby somebody when they lose bejesus, you're likely to pick some up. Now here's the fun part, how do you get the bejesus out of someone? Here's a rundown of the most common methods.

	Confusing Although we don't fully understand the bizarre physics of bejesus, we do know that its staying in our body is as rooted in our mental state as our physical one. Certain states of mental distress cause bejesus to be propelled from the body. One of the most effective states is confusion. When a person gets very confused, sometimes bejesus leaks from their body, showering out about them. Confusion can be a very effective way of removing bejesus from a person's body. If a person is truly, badly perplexed and bewildered it is possible they will have all of their bejesus confused out of them. This can be one of the best ways to get bejesus as it does not leave the body at a very high speed and thus is easily collected. As we will discuss later, confusion was one of the primary tools used by the very first Jesus!
	Scaring Another potent method of bejesus removal is scaring. A truly good scare will blow a person's bejesus right out of the back of their head at literaly supersonic speeds. This is why it's good to come up behind somebody when you scare them. Unfortunately, usually, despite your best efforts, most of the bejesus ends up shooting straight out of the earth's atmosphere and is lost forever in space. Still this can be effective method as long as you scare somebody badly enough to get a good spray pattern and stay centered in it.
	Slapping Sometimes rather than trying to mess with someone's mind its easier just to employ the brute force of just beating bejesus directly out of their bodies. Whenever someone is physically jarred, a bit of bejesus is just knocked right out of a person's body. The tragectory is determined by the the direction of the blow, with bejesus flying in a way not unlike the slo-mo sweat off of Rocky's oft-beat face. Not all that much force is required to knock bejesus loose, the best way to maximize your bejesus potential is to increase the surface area. Because of this a slap tends to knock loose a fair amount of bejesus, more than any other typical blow. (Note typical; a blow from the giant fist of a Doom Machine 2000 will knock out considerably more, and a solid bitch-slap is almost twice as effective as that.

  So how does one go about actually using any of these techniques? An answer can be found in the story of the only person to ever actually become Jesus. His saga is detailed on the next page-->.